How does one even begin to process when your husband tells you he wants a divorce?

Your mind races with all kinds of thoughts, why am I not good enough, why am I not worth it, I can do better, ect... WHY do we blame ourself?

Lets take a moment to gather a little insight on my life before we try to disect this.

I met my husband while I was working with him at his agency, we quickly decided to build a family and withing months of seeing each other we were expecting. I had dreams and ambitions to go to nursing school. As our relationship progressed he felt that it would be better for me to leave the county he works for and find a different job as he had been there longer. I agreed and went back to nursing working as a CNA. 

 While I was working he would call me because the baby wouldnt stop crying or he couldnt do this or that. Then we added another baby a year and nine days later. 

My husband is a deputy, I am a stay at home mom to two beautiful babies (1 and 2). He always told me there was value in me being home with our babies.

I struggled with PPD, ontop of seasonal depression and being overwhelmed having two small babies and no help at home. I went back to work 3 weeks after my csection with out daughter because we needed the money... Yes, 3 weeks. Once i started staying home evverything was left up to me. Kids, house, night time dutys, outside duties, keeping his uniform, meds, and works stuff clean and packed. Litterly everything. 

 He slept with ear plugs in. He did not help with bedtime, or even anything except going to pay bills. He comes home and asks me to take his socks and shoes off because he didnt want to.  

 Then comes the reality of divorce. Monday the 12 he told me he was done with this relationship. He told me he didnt love me. I was not providing him a warm loving environment. I was not aknowledging his needs to have a clean home. I was not present because I started living in my phone. I started trying to find adult conversation where I could get it, because his converstations were everything i have done wrong in my marrige and as a person. If only I could be a better wife to him. Not to mention the mental abuse and violence that has happened in our house. But that is not his fault.. I made him.. I bring out the worst in him.

 

yet here i am begging for him to not leave me. to love me. that I can change.. WHY. WHY